Elizabeth Polhamus

If My Vagina Could Talk

In this Broadway-esque musical number, a woman sings about all the questions one might ask their own vagina.

Characters:
ELIZABETH, a woman
VAGINA, Elizabeth’s vagina

(Lights UP on ELIZABETH singing.)

ELIZABETH:

In times of trouble, I look down under.
I see her there gleaming, and at night I wonder...

What if my vagina could talk?
What would she say?
Is she happy? Is she gay?
Hey Vagina, are you okay?
Would she forgive me for Brandon and Ryan and Tommy and James and Matthew and Cole and Johnny and Mason and Jason and Michael M. and Michael J.?
Please forgive me!

If my vagina could talk, would she scream?
Would she tell the whole world what she needs?
What would she do when she bleeds?
Would she be angry, fuming mad...
Or would she whisper really quiet, because she’s sad?

Is she funny, a real hoot?
Or is she a little shy, a little dry?
Wrong wording. She’s not dry,
at least not all the time.

Vagina, please speak!
Tell me what you think
About that time after the movies
in the really dark Petsmart parking lot.
Did you think that was hot?

VAGINA:

Not really, but it was fun I guess?

ELIZABETH:

(scared) Who was that?!

VAGINA:

Down here!! You’ve been talking to me this whole time!
Did you not think I was gonna answer?!

I can’t answer all your questions, cuz I don’t got all day,
I have a party at the G-Spot later, but this is what I’ll say:

It’s not always great. There have been bad days,
Especially when you get with guys that I hate!
But it’s okay. I’m still okay.
At least you know how to masturbate!

(Lights OUT.)

THE END.

Lose That V

In this game show, 3 contestants compete to be the lucky winner of a girl’s virginity. Modeled after old dating shows, the contestants are hidden behind a wall and asked to answer various questions.

Characters:
DRAKE HYMEN, the host of the show, very outgoing and sort of creepy
EVE, wanting to lose her virginity, very innocent in appearance
CONTESTANT 1, an attractive, charming, and sleazy man
CONTESTANT 2, a clueless, incompetant man
CONTESTANT 3, a dreamy and knowledgeable woman

(Game show music plays as lights come up to reveal a 1970’s inspired set where EVE is separated from the rest of the contestants by a wall, the host stands beside EVE.)

DRAKE HYMEN:

Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome back to “Lose! That! V!” -- the show where 3 lucky contestants compete to deflower one of our virgins! I’m your host Drake Hymen. Let’s meet tonight's virgin. Would you introduce yourself to our audience?

EVE:

Hi! I’m Eve! I’m 16, and I like rainy days, listening to music, and having fun!

DRAKE HYMEN:

(laughs) And fun you shall have with one lucky contestant tonight! Let’s meet our three competitors, shall we? Contestant number one, tell us a bit about yourself!

CONTESTANT 1:

Well Drake, I’m 21, but I consider myself young at heart. I’m an artist, and I love to express myself through drugs.

(EVE seems very pleased with his responses. She laughs to herself and seems very interested.)

DRAKE HYMEN:

Now, that’s an answer we haven’t heard before. Hopefully, you can create some splatter art with Eve tonight! Moving on to contestant number 2, what do we need to know about you?

CONTESTANT 2:

I’m 16, I play baseball, and I’m part of my school’s debate team. I would also like to say that as someone with a mother, I really respect women.

DRAKE HYMEN:

Sounds promising! Hopefully, you’ll hit a home run this evening! And last but not least, let’s hear from contestant 3!

CONTESTANT 3:

I’m 17, I have 4 cats, I hate cops, and I keep my nails short for a reason. (winks)

DRAKE HYMEN:

Let’s keep it appropriate. This is a family show after all. Alrighty, now that introductions are over, contestants, are you ready to...

(SOUND CUE plays of the audience yelling “TAKE! THAT! V!”)

CONTESTANTS:

Yeahhh!

DRAKE HYMEN:

(laughs) You ready with that first question Eve?

EVE:

I sure am, Drake! Contestant number 1, being that it’s my first time, what would you do to make it special?

CONTESTANT 1:

Well, I believe that because sex is spiritual exchange between 2 people, it’s only special if you believe it’s special.

EVE:

Great answer! Contestant 2, same question.

CONTESTANT 2:

Well, I’d lay a nice blanket down in the back of my minivan, and I’d park somewhere really intimate and serene like the mall parking lot.

EVE:

Alright, and contestant number 3?

CONTESTANT 3:

Well to set the mood, I’d light some candles and put on a special playlist. Then, I’d give you a back massage to get you nice and relaxed.

DRAKE HYMEN:

Oh boy, things are getting steamy. Let’s move on to question 2.

EVE:

I love having music playing at all times. Contestant number 2, if you were to create a playlist for tonight, what would be the first song on it?

CONTESTANT 2:

I would keep it simple and put on a lofi beat playlist from soundcloud.

EVE:

Number 3?

CONTESTANT 3:

Definitely something by a woman like Lana Del Rey.

DRAKE HYMEN:

Alright, and that brings us to round 2! Start us off again with those questions, Eve!

EVE:

Because I’m only 16, I’m not interested in having kids right now? How are you going to ensure that we’re protected? Contestant 1?

CONTESTANT 1:

Well, I could wear a condom, but that’d take away part of the full experience for both of us. Luckily, I’ve mastered the pull-out technique. And if you're still paranoid, I can chip in a couple of bucks for a Plan B.

EVE:

Number 2?

CONTESTANT 2:

Well, I don’t really have money for condoms, but my brother said that he once did it with a sandwich bag and tape. And that, I can afford.

DRAKE HYMEN:

Now, that type of creativity is admirable! And, we have now moved onto our final round. Take it away Eve!

EVE:

I want to be with someone who makes me feel cared for. What are your plans for after the sex? Number 3?

CONTESTANT 3:

I’d run us a warm bath and give you my comfiest pajamas to wear while we cuddle and fall asleep together.

EVE:

Number 1?

CONTESTANT 1:

I’d get you a towel to wipe yourself off and order you an Uber, so that I can make sure you’re getting home safe.

DRAKE HYMEN:

Well, we love to hear that our contestants care about the wellbeing of Eve here! Upon hearing these final answers, are you ready to make your choice Eve?

EVE:

I think I am, Drake. All 3 contestants gave really thoughtful answers, and I’d be grateful to share this experience with any of them. With that said, orgies aren’t an option on this show, so I chose the contestant who was most charming, thoughtful, and honest with their answers. Contestant number 1, I choose you!

(The audience cheers as EVE and CONTESTANT 1 rise from their seats to meet each other. They hug and EXIT together.)

DRAKE HYMEN:

Alright! And there you have it folks! I want to thank all contestants for participating, and thank you, audience for tuning in! Make sure to join us next week on ….

(SOUND CUE plays of the audience yelling “TAKE! THAT! V!”)

THE END.

Madame Rogers’ Neighborhood

In this parody of Mister Rogers, a dominatrix teaches us about sex and false connotations that come with it.

Characters:
MADAME ROGERS, a dominatrix with a very calm manner Mrs. McFeel-me

(The show’s theme song plays as the lights go UP to reveal a living room. MADAME ROGERS ENTERS through the front door and begins to undress from street clothes revealing dominatrix get-up.)

MADAME ROGERS:

(singing) It’s a beautiful day to be a whore,
a beautiful day for a whore,
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?

It’s a whore-ish day in this slutty world
A whorish day for a lady
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?

(As she is finishing up the song, MADAME ROGERS sits down and begins taking off her sneakers to put on lace up high- heel boots.)

MADAME ROGERS:

Well, hello there neighbor! I brought you a surprise today! (She takes a bag out from under the chair) Do you have any guesses for what’s in here? (shakes the bag) Any other guesses for what’s in here? Alright then, I guess I’d better just open it! (unzips bag and brings out a book that reads “Dirty Fanfiction”) Well, this is the first item I have for us to look at today. This is mine from when I was about 13, and I used to write all kinds of stories in here about all the famous boys I had crushes on. Have you ever done that? Now that I look back, it was quite silly, but I sure had a lot of fun back then! I didn’t know much about what I was writing, but that’s alright. I was just exploring. Maybe later, we’ll get to read a few stories from there.

Did that give you any ideas about what today’s episode might be about? Alright well, maybe this next thing will. (She takes out a hairbrush from the bag.) Well, I think we all know what this is, but you might not know what it can be used for besides brushing hair. See neighbor, this handle can be useful when you’re like me sometimes and fingers just aren’t enough. You can use it to (Her words are censored with a loud beep SOUND CUE.)

Alright well. Now, I just have one last thing to show you for now. (She takes out a box of condoms.) Now, these are a little bit different from the other two items, in that those are usually for you when you’re alone but these are something that you’ll use when you’re with another friend. Now, I would love to show you how they work. Would you like to see? (She takes a banana from the bag and begins to put the condom on the banana.)

It’s called a condom, and you use it to protect you and your partner from any unwanted pregnancies or STDs. This is only one of the ways to protect yourself, and when used correctly, they’re about 98% effective. It’s important to use these to promote good sexual health for you and your partner.

Well, I’ve just about spoiled what today’s episode is about. Any final guesses? Today’s episode is about sex. Why do we have sex, and what should we know?

(MADAME ROGERS begins singing.)

Sex can be used to make more of you.
Or sex can be used just for fun.
Sex is your choice. Listen to your voice.
What do you want and how?

When you like someone lots, and they give you the hots,
You can have sex.
You can set the pace. Use latex or lace,
And choose who to be with.

You can do it with boys. You can choose to add toys,
And if all goes wrong you can stop.
You’re under no obligation to meet unfair expectations.
Your body, your choice.

You can have lots, or you can have little.
Or maybe you’d like it somewhere in the middle.
Sex can beautiful. Sex can be fun,
Especially when you use protection.

MADAME ROGERS:

Well, thank you for joining me today, neighbor, I would like to teach you one last word before you go, “slut.” Say it with me now, “slut.” Do you know what a slut is? A slut is someone who society likes to shame for taking multiple sexual partners. I think that’s unfair, don’t you? This word is often used to be mean to others, especially women. I have in the past been guilty of using this word against others, before I realized how hurtful it can be. I hope that you won’t use words like this to shame others, and if someone ever calls you a slut, I say embrace it!

(The show’s theme song plays as the lights go OUT.)

THE END.